Last week I had my postpartum appointment. I brought the three kids along with me, and just in case the doctor had any concern over whether or not I was fit to handle the third child she’d just delivered for me, I forgot shoes for Alex.
The doctor came in, introduced me to the med student who was shadowing her, and went about the exam. I hadn’t been in the room more than five minutes before she asked me what I wanted to do for birth control.
“Oh I’ve already got it figured out,” I said.
“Are you thinking IUD? Pill?” she asked.
“No, I actually just ordered some Bunion correctors off of Amazon, so I’m thinking that should take care of it.”
She blinked at me a few times. “No, seriously,” she said.
“Seriously,” I told her. “They’re second only to Crocs as the best form of birth control.”
The doctor went on to explain how actual birth control works, but I stopped her. “I’m not sure it makes sense for us right now, we’ll probably try for baby #4 this fall.”
At this, the med student noticeably gagged, and I guess I don’t blame her. Evelyn was jumping on the scale singing the Diarrhea song, Alex was in the stroller melting down because he couldn’t get unbuckled, or because his pants were grey, or because his hair was too hairy, I mean who knows. Lottie was definitely the best behaved at the moment but you could definitely smell the need for a diaper change.
The doctor chose this moment to ask if I’d filled out the Postpartum worksheet. Probably a good move on her part.
The next week at Lottie’s appointment the Pediatrician had a similar form for me to fill out.
I’m certainly not poking fun at postpartum issues — I know they are real and a terrible thing to have to endure — still some of the questions on these forms always make me laugh.
“I am able to cope as well as I always have” — Always, Sometimes, Hardly Ever, Never. There either needs to be room to write in an answer, or a fifth option of “Always, but with the help of more wine than I previously required.”
Or my favorite — “I am finding it difficult to sleep.” Always, Sometimes, Hardly Ever, Never.
Is that a trick question??
Another — “I am finding it difficult to stay on top of household tasks.”
I mean, the place has never looked better.
Also you can see Eric’s Crocs there front and center, so there’s that.
But picking up all those shoes would take a good ten minutes away from zoning out while binge watching Greys Anatomy, which is what I would have written in if question # 9 (“I am finding it hard to motivate myself”) had that option. Instead I just picked “Hardly Ever” and blamed the Netflix Binge on exhaustion.
There’s a lot I could blame on exhaustion these days … feeding my kids granola bars for several meals, wearing those Crocs on a whole day of errands without realizing it, spelling “whole” in the previous sentence “hole” and staring at it for five minutes before I could figure out what was wrong with it.
Oh well, c’est la vie. They’ll have me fill out the questionnaire again at Lottie’s 4 month appointment, and hopefully by then that pile of laundry will have been put away … but I make no promises.
March 2, 2018 at 12:24 am
You are so fabulous and absolutely hilarious! I think I may be your biggest fan!