I like to think I was one of Taylor Swift’s first fans. I watched her singing “Tim McGraw” on a morning show from my college apartment, and immediately jumped on Kazaa to download the whole album, probably illegally. But I was hooked.

From that moment on, the songs she wrote seemed to mirror my life. What she went through, I went through. “Teardrops on my Guitar” became the official song to represent my love for the man I would have moved to Africa for had he discovered my existence. “White Horse” was on repeat during the year of my quarter-life-crisis relationship with a divorcee almost twice my age.

In recent years, however, it seems our lives have gone in different directions. Don’t get me wrong, I still adore everything she does. But there are some marked differences between our lives now, not the least of which is the fact that her entire wardrobe would fit me only as very fancy leg warmers.

I still love her music and the kids and I jam out to it all the time. But that’s the difference right there — the kids. While Taylor’s gallivanting around the globe rocking her Era’s tour, I’m galavanting around the backyard picking up dog poop so the kids don’t keep stepping in it. While she’s being photographed hand in hand with Travis Kelce, I’m most definitely not being photographed (because I’m always the one taking the pictures) dragging a screaming kid under each arm out of Target on a consequence.

Yep, this is definitely not T. Swift songwriting material. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to re-write her sing “Today was a Fairytale.” Always one of my favorites of hers, tonight it becomes “Today was a Mommy Fail.” (I wanted to call it “Today was a Shitshow,” but this rhymes better.)

For those of you unfamiliar with the song, the original lyrics are as follows (though you should really give it a listen to get the tune in your head).

And now, the rewrite.

Today was a Mommy Fail,

I’ve got all these kids,

I used to be a girl who could get dressed,

You hit me with your hand when you woke me up at six,

Today was a mommy fail.

Today was a mommy fail,

You wore a dress

I wore a dark grey sweatsuit

I made sure you looked pretty

But I looked like a mess

Today was a mommy fail

Time slows down,

Whenever you’re around …

But can you smell that burning in the air?

It must have been the frozen pizza

You yelled for me even though I’m standing there

It must have been the way

Today was a mommy fail

It must have been the way

Today was a mommy fail.

Today was a mommy fail,

I served you eggs,

You looked at them like they were garbage,

Every move I make everything I say is wrong,

Today was a Mommy Fail.

Today was a mommy fail,

All that I can say,

Is even though your daddy’s nearer,

You walk past him to come find me in the shower,

To ask me for a snack

Today was a mommy fail.

But can you smell that burning in the air?

It must have been the frozen pizza

Yelled for me even though I’m standing there,

It must have been the way

Today was a mommy fail

Today was a mommy fail.

Okay so maybe there’s a reason I’m not a famous songwriter, and maybe there’s a reason people don’t write songs about this stuff.

Still, I think “Cruel Summer” could take on a whole new meaning if it was written about a two-year-old tyrant as opposed to a 32-year-old love interest.

Just something to think about for your next album, Taylor .