Momedy

A few weeks ago I left a voicemail for someone I’d never met before. It went a little something like this: “Hi Mike, my name is Melissa Berg … info info info … so if you could give me a call back, that would be great. My number is 414-4 … um … 4-6? No, 1-8…um…okay it’s 414-6…8…1…look I’m going to have to call you back.

For the record: aside from the area code, not even one of those starts was correct.

Where. Is. My. Brain?

It used to be up there, I know it did. Once upon a time I completed a great Journalism program with it. Now I bet it wouldn’t even get me through third grade.

I have become what I like to call a Kidiot. Is this a term? It needs to be. A Kidiot is someone who spends so much time cutting food and wiping butts that they lose all productive brainpower and would be put down in the town census as the village idiot, if it was still politically correct to have one.

See this?

This is a little command station I have in my front hall to keep me organized. Those dates you see on the bottom are September 26th – October 2nd. Let the record state that today is November 2nd. This means I’ve gotten ready to leave for the same Doctor appointment every Friday for a Month, and have skipped the same morning workout class every Monday for a month.

I’m not even going to address the tasks on the chalkboard, because I honestly don’t remember if I’ve cleaned either yet or not.

All the evidence here points not only to my ultimately having some sort of neurological disorder, but also to my being a very undesirable candidate for any job at all.  So for kicks, I thought I’d update my resume to reflect my current skill set, see where it might get me.

Here we go.

Melissa Blair Milne

Wait, no, Melissa Milne Berg. Changed that one three years ago.

Phone: Can’t remember.

Email: Mblairmilne@gmail.com  *Please note that email gets checked on average once a week, with a minimum three-week response time.

October 2014-Present :   Berg Household, CEO

The mission of the Berg Household, Inc. is to raise well-adjusted, contributing citizens. In my time here, I have had the opportunity to hone my multi-tasking and organizational skills in a variety of ways.

• Ability to carry on 4+ conversations at one time
  • Can console a friend, return a voicemail, scold my toddler and soothe an infant in one succinct sentence.
  • Can remember and effectively use the word “succinct”.
•  Meet Deadlines Daily
  • I’m goal-driven, and given my goal to one day see the bottom of a hamper, I can accomplish washing, drying, folding and putting away more than six loads of laundry per day.
  • I have consistently shown the ability to work through distress, when that empty hamper is filled again within just one hour and I find it necessary to fight off tears and put on a happy face for my children.
• Creative Conversations
  • Have the ability to find a replacement-word or phrase for just about every four-letter one out there, and can use it with the same effectiveness in front of children of any age, with them being none the wiser.
• Effective Time Management
  • Can *successfully feed one child while bathing another while preparing husband’s dinner while ordering next weeks groceries while emptying dishwasher while feeding dog while baking two-dozen cupcakes to freeze for next month’s birthday party.
    • * use of word ‘successfully’ does not indicate continual success. May have only been successful at juggling these tasks once or twice, if that. May have done things like melt a phone case on a hot burner during other attempts at this.
    • Can successfully scrape melted plastic off a stove without scratching stove-top.
• Ability to stay calm in crisis
  • Have a proven record of staying calm in a variety of situations, such as:
    • Walking into a nursery after nap to find it and its residents covered in fecal matter
    • Evacuating a bathtub of its occupants and cleaning both the child and the tub after it becomes covered in fecal matter
    • Removing dog feces from:
      • Foot of a child
      • Hand of a child
      • Trunk of a car
      • Area Rugs
      • Upstairs Carpeting
    • It seems all my crises involve fecal matter. May have to change “major” in education section.
• Confident Decision Maker
  • I do not negotiate with little terrorists and I never waver once a decision is made. Decisions include:
    • What is served for meals
    • What time we will leave the park
    • How many books we will read before bed
    • How many Goldfish Crackers you can have
• Excellent Summarizer
  • Can read a 30+ page Dr. Seuss book in less than 20 words while escaping notice by the audience.
  • Can shorten any song into one stanza, and sing it with flourish.

So there you have it, in a nutshell. Who wants to hire me? Anyone? Bueller?

It doesn’t really matter anyway, I think my current boss(es) are satisfied with my job performance so far.

At least, they still cry when I have to leave them, which I’m taking as satisfaction with my job performance.

I have my review coming up this week, and I’m hoping for a raise. This will not be monetary of course but will come in other benefits, like less direct contact with feces.